10 Lessons from 30

I turned 30 recently. Here are 10 lessons I'm carrying forward.

1. Be kind

Kindness is a choice. Kindness is an expression of love or goodwill without expectation of reciprocation. This definition is important because unlike niceness and meanness, which are easy, kindness is hard.

Niceness is a social tactic — to avoid conflict, to signal moral superiority, to manipulate a target to gain something they have. Meanness is also easy and is a social tactic.

In contrast, to give without expectations or aim, to control your emotions, and to not manipulate others to your own aims is hard.

There is an upside to kindness. When you express love or goodwill towards another being without want of something in return, you improve your life. When we do acts of kindness, our brain releases dopamine and serotonin. We feel elevated and happier, neurochemically. If this happens a lot — your life experience will increase by much more.

2. Be courageous

There are three very important times to be courageous. First, to pursue your dream. Second, to be disliked — we have our own tastes, likes, opinions and we should express them. Only black kid in the gifted program? You're now Hershey. Only black kid around others that "speaks white"? Oreo. Have the courage to express yourself and not care whether others like or dislike you for it. Third, to fight. Throughout life, you will encounter bullies. They didn't cease to exist on the school's playground. It is imperative that you learn to recognize these individuals and deal with them. And if you are a bully, please see my first lesson.

3. Don't hold on so tightly

Everything is impermanent, and that's okay. A lot of our suffering comes from trying to make the impermanent permanent. If we acknowledge that everything is temporary, then we are free to explore, experiment, and hopefully bring a little temporary joy to others along the way.

4. Be like the coniferous tree

Conifer trees take a long time to sprout. Broad-leaf trees sprout very quickly to secure as much sunlight as possible. In resource-abundant soil and warm climates we see broad-leaf trees proliferate and force the conifers to cold climates, poorer soil, and difficult terrains. It seems like broad-leaf trees are the clear winner.

However, this is only true in the short term. When looking at the last ice age, all trees were impacted but broad-leaf trees especially had to retreat southward and the domain of conifer trees greatly expanded. Broad-leaf trees live to about 200 to 300 years, where the core of conifer trees can be 4,000 to 5,000 years old. Coast Redwoods and Giant Sequoias loom 3 or 4 times taller than even the mightiest of oak.

What is the difference? Conifer trees focus on building deep and powerful roots before expanding towards the sky. Their foundation takes time and patience to build. The reward is more resilience in difficult times, longevity, and the achievement of greater heights.

Don't be like the broad-leaf trees quickly taking what you can when the times are good. Be like the conifer tree: spend time building a strong foundation, don't feel compelled to compete directly for competition's sake, and live well; live long.

5. Look above; Look within

Religion is important because religion encourages humans to look up. Aim for an ideal. I believe it is important to actively choose which set of ideals you aspire towards. The most amazing aspect of human beings is our well-documented ability to physically achieve more simply based upon our beliefs. What you choose to believe will have profound outcomes on your life and others.

Look within. The Oracle of Delphi's message of "Know Thy Self" is equally if not more important than your aspirations. I've meditated close to 1,000 days of my life and have noted incredible benefits: it has helped me understand myself in ways that would be difficult to describe, and it has enabled me to respond instead of react to situations. Enough of meditation. The point is to go deep within yourself so that you can become yourself.

6. Count your pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves

We cannot control how much money we make but we can control how much money we spend. I record my costs manually. It allows me to bring thoughtfulness to my spending patterns. This rule also applies to many other areas in life. If you focus on the details of a product or service the quality and thus dollars will take care of itself.

7. Foster your curiosity

Human curiosity propels human learning. Learning compounds, like financial investments, over time. There is a great myth that learning stops once you've finished school. This is absolutely false and dangerous thinking.

Curiosity needs to be fostered. It is fragile. You can tell by comparing a child to a middle-age middle manager in a large logistics company. Something happens that erodes curiosity over time. For me, fostering curiosity means pursuing art — dance, martial arts, language. These areas have very little friction for me. They feel like play.

Curiosity is the magic sauce to the greatest human compounding effect: learning. Curiosity is born from playing. So, play to learn and become the best human you can be.

8. One Thing

"Intense concentration for hour after hour can bring out resources in people that they didn't know they had." — Edwin Land

If you're struggling to bring your talents to life, narrow your focus. Do less. It's very hard, but the rewards are most certainly worth it.

9. Persevere

When I was in third grade my teacher gave me a superlative. It was "Perseverance". At the time I was very dismayed. I was hoping for most intelligent, best at math, best overall. What I heard was "tries hard." My teacher very delicately explained to me that this may very well be the most important superlative and that he gave it to me with much consideration.

Today, I am so thankful for that award.

When I learned to dance I struggled for a year. Eventually I became a good dancer and competed in performances across the West Coast. When I was at LinkedIn, I was told by a manager that "I think I can do analytics but I may not have the brain for it." I then applied a novel approach to segmenting potential customers and opened up 12 new markets.

When Sam Walton was starting in retail his manager told him that Sam just wasn't "a retail guy." Sam Walton later went to build, at the time, the greatest retail store chain the world had seen.

It doesn't matter what others say — no matter how smart they seem. When you've decided, built the courage and the strong roots to set upon your path, don't stop for anything. Persevere.

10. Faith

"Have Faith and act as if it is already real." — Rick Rubin

I started learning Chinese because I had a dream that said "learn Mandarin." The next day I went to the internet and started with some apps. I've been studying every day since. Chinese has opened up a world of experiences, relationships, and insights too numerous to list.

When I started at LinkedIn, a woman came to speak to my starting class. She normally didn't do public speaking and was asked at the last minute to fill in. At the end of her story, I heard a voice at the back of my head say "you have to work with her." I didn't know who she was or what her team did. Being my first work week, I booked an hour on her calendar. She asked to shorten it to 30. Then we had to reschedule. Then reschedule again. Each time I asked her for less and less of her time. Eventually, I found what building she was going to be in and asked if we could chat in between her meetings. That 5-minute chat grew into a 45-minute one. My mentor introduced me to her team which opened a constellation of mentors who taught me everything from how to take notes, to how to build data products, to how to design my life.

It is difficult to say what this voice is. Where it comes from. It is easy, however, to say to follow it. Do the work, faithfully.

— Jay