Toska

Toska. Its literal definition is melancholy. But that doesn't do justice to the depth of emotion this word evokes. It is a feeling of spiritual suffering without any particular reason. On a less dolorous level, it's the indistinct pain of the soul... vague anxiety, nostalgia, amorous longing.

Life's beauty is truly accented not by joy but by suffering and sadness — the sort that you feel for a vast number of reasons and yet no reason at all. When all of your basic survival needs are and will be met, this feeling gives a sort of window to the bleakness of that life that is easily forgotten. Thereby, pushing you to realize that it is death we're working against. It reminds you, in brief fleeting moments, that you are alive. Sure, life is filled with challenges, pain, disappointment, and problems far out of your control, but you're alive and well. It humbles you. Forces you to feel the breath that you suck in, and appreciate it for its divinity.

While thinking back to my most important moments, I find that I was jolted from my unconscious complacency — my animalistic narrow-sightedness towards this single life — by moments of toska. Over and over again, the moments that have defined me have been moments of deep soul suffering. Toska compels me to grab the reins of the stampeding carriage ride we call life and gives me the audacity to steer it. Toska pushes me to think about something other than food, shelter, and sex. Toska shreds away the pieces of me that aren't working and demands that I refill the gaps. Toska met with my deep desire to love and help as many people as possible builds me into a man.

Throughout the years when I've had this grim visitor I've reacted in so many different ways. I've tried fighting toska. I lose. I've tried ignoring toska. I am promptly reminded of its presence several times a day. I've tried hiding from toska in a mob of familiar faces. Lo, I am struck with the utmost accuracy.

This time, I've tried embracing toska, and like a gull I'm lifted from the sea — for just a moment — to the clouds where I am genuinely happy. Happy that I'm alive. Grateful for all of the experiences too rich and precious to attempt to describe. Happy for love and for loss. And happy for hope of a better tomorrow.

— Jay